food

I know why

I had such a small fleeting thought today, but I know why

I felt so inadequate

somewhere in my mind, monogamy means staying home and waiting

alone

for any communication

any words

any shred of what your partner has to share

this must have been incredible pressure.

I relied on someone else for all my validation as a beautiful, intense, intelligent woman.

that was so unfair of me.

but I thought that’s how it is supposed to be

because that’s how it always was.

but somewhere, somehow, in the past month

I actually validated myself

I didn’t stay in the house and wait

I went out and met other people

I shared time and conversation

food

coffee

I wandered around

again

like I used to.

I found an endorphin release

I found someplace to let my sadistic feelings out

where they were welcome

I found a group where I could feed my endorphin addiction on my own terms

where I could free my inner exhibitionist, and

be safe

because none of them would dare to touch me.

even the one that wielded the dragon tail.

my dragon tail.

no hands on me.

I watched the others that were chained and gagged

I watched how every male would walk up and slam his fingers into them

grab their breasts and pull

how they were entertainment

how they were worthless, walking cunts

so as I stood there in my bra and panties and shoes, grabbing the ends of the chains that others were

bound by,

needed to be bound by

my hands were free

I refuse to be bound

I turned around

watched the faces in the room

their mouths open

jesus I felt free

beautiful

and wild

and happy and satisfied

my skin was glistening

my breath was shallow

the muscles in my arms and legs were taught with anticipation and adrenaline

my mouth was red with lipstick

I could smell Chanel #5

and I saw respect in that room

when the one that wielded the dragon tail was exhausted

sweating

breathing hard

poor old man

I let go

put my skirt and white blouse on

had a cigarette

and came home

the culmination of me being free

not bound

but free to stand and expect what I wanted to be delivered.

and on my terms