I have a closing date
I'm moving...  to Ocala.

I am starting the real beginning of my life after divorce.

Not the imagined fantasy world where I would find friends to have cocktail parties in the city with, or the world where I would become some employed person making enough money to live on and pay my own taxes and buy new shoes.

This world is different.
I can determine the outcome.
now the only problem will be whether I can buy shoes or buy imported tomatoes :)

It's a pretty house, slightly on the modern side.

Tile floors and a fireplace and a big darn garage, like a barn, in the backyard where my man can keep his crap.

men always have crap.
Tools and cords and hoses and fishing poles.

but there is also a building that I would consider a shed.

I want to set up my easel there.  I want to paint again.

Ever since he came into my life, I haven't felt the anger that I used to feel.
When I was with the last one, I created angry, black pictures.

With E, I feel different.
I don't really get angry except when I do. :)
and I don't want to cry myself to sleep.

He makes me feel different.

I wake up every morning feeling tired and fucked and loved.

What could be better?

Karma

What does it mean?

We shall all get back what we give

But, sometimes it doesn’t generate that far
does it

Sometimes it doesn’t resonate until the nextmonth/year/decade

After 28 years with a man who only needed me for a mission,

To provide a homelife and take care of the family

To be a frontierswoman,

who Told me he hated me

As opposed to the man who had the woman who wasn’t so smart,

 but who was beaten down daily because she was weak…

She ripped him apart not stopping

Until entrails and blood were covering the floor

And the fight continues today…

What is the difference?

What is the reason that a man feels such hatred, and a woman feels,

 well,

Introspective.

Why do I feel that he is surrendering his soul to achieve payback

When…
I surrendered my soul to achieve freedom.

Is it a man thing?

To go for obliteration?

Is it a woman thing to always go for the passive mindset?

I swear this is one thing that I have never learned…

My Birthday Weekend

:)

I will be 53 on Monday.
I wish I could remember what time I was born.
I asked Coz once, and I think she told me noon.
but short term memory loss has hindered me for the past few years.

I am a Taurus.

Bullheaded
True
Faithful
A creature of habit
A lover of the sensual side of life

Yesterday, I went to the beach.

well,
yesterday we went to the beach

with a cooler
beer
water
cigarettes
ice

I had a rayon halter dress on

I went swimming in it. 

I made quite an impression on little old Fort Pierce yesterday

 and He made quite an impression on me...

1 very happy C

Tonight, he's absent

Up north on business
that won't be completed until next week

He was going to stay until then
and come back home
to me


but, He's coming back tomorrow
and taking me with him next week

to introduce me to his family and friends

He's embarrassed when they tell him he is in love

He said it's a guy thing.

Is that true?

Is it embarrassing to say out loud that you are in love with someone?

cheese and rice, I tell it to the clerks in the store
:)

He told me that he can't stay up there without me,
so
I will go.

He's sweet and tender
and honest and true

but he is not without his beautiful sadistic streak.

lucky me

so, tonight I will sleep hardly
fitfully
waiting

for him

and next week I will go with him
because
he doesn't like it when I am not at his side
between heartbeats
and legs
and sleeping breaths


the soft comfortable breaths

of being together

A Dominant male that wanted to be fucked in the ass

So, I have this friend who was a pro Domme.
For several years in Philly, she beat and humiliated men for money
and
She did very well.
She raised her children and put them through school, She bought a house and turned it into a lucrative business
She was independent and free and wealthy

So
Some Colonel comes along
wants to be fucked in the ass
wants an enema

...

wants to take her for dinner

18 months later, She accepts

It's a whirlwind

He loves her
He needs her in his life or he can't live
He wants her all to himself
Stop doing what you do and come live with me
Marry me
Do what you do
only to me


Tonight, he walked out
telling her he hated everything about her

:)

They were married for 6 whole years.

She gave up everything and moved to Florida?

She was fucking swindled
manipulated
tossed to the side?

If any of you knew her, you would know she was exceptionally adept at a mind fuck,
but

she caved

She became not herself
and adapted

Maybe it's because she thought that was what she needed.

I need to go and hit something
How could this woman be devastated by simple words?

oh

wait

I remember why

She is no stronger than I
but she was independent.

Why is it

If it is even so

that an old retired military man
can still make a woman feel like shit
even though he wants Her to fuck him in the ass

2 Forks

The difference between 2 forks and 1 fork is love

to me, anyway

Waking up in the morning and seeing the remains of a truly excellent meal
cooked by me
thank you very much

on the countertop

with 2 plates
2 forks
2 napkins

Someone special was here

special enough to have been invited to dinner
cooked by me

so
He eats here now
every night

:)

I don't know how long it's been since I have wanted to cook for somebody

oh, wait

Yes I do know how long it's been...

But what I don't remember is how long it's been since I wanted to cook for somone every night.
...

oh, wait.
I do remember

Is it possible that I just wanted someone to cook for?
Is it possible that I just need someone to cook for?

For it has been said that

Food is Love

(at least by me)

but
reader,
it is more than my need here.

much more

For it is the quintessential need to give something that I have
to someone that I love

to give something tangible
something that has no price put upon it

so

2 forks on my countertop
is truly wonderful

a very happy c

waiting

for the door to the room to open
waiting for him to say

come here

Now

I'm anxious and slightly nervous and excited beyond belief
It's slightly more difficult to breathe
but I wait

I hear his voice call my name
Christine
Come here

My knees are shaking
my heart is racing
my breath comes in a short, shallow intake
of air
so slight
not noticeable
to anyone but me

I am becoming more attentive and accepting
more in tune with his body and his ways

I am allowing myself to trust him further

When we are in the room,
I can let go and
finally
I do
let go

He holds my orgasm in his hands
and He knows it
and He knows how to use it against me

until

I

can
not
hold back

for another minute

He makes me cum

at His will

I think he's wonderful

And I know he loves me

a very happy c

tonight I was thinking about how different my life would have been if I had left earlier

earlier than I did

Would my daughters have been the same?
Would they have grown to be independent and strong as they are today?

Would I?

Is it true that my every decision in life has led me here
to this place
this man
this breath of springtime in February because I am in Florida?
in these arms?

Suppose I had taken a different turn and followed my career
Suppose I had never moved to Fort Rucker
in the first place
in the very first place

Would I be here?
at this house
in this town
in these arms
in this spot?

Gosh, how different it could have turned out.
How different I would be
if I had taken
one
tiny
step
and gone right
instead of left

On My Floor

As he lays sleeping here
another night of talking and agreeing and
disagreeing

we still are together

he mumbles under his breath that he loves me
while I say it out loud

He says I ruined him
from self destructing

lol

I say the same

He looks into my eyes when we speak about the world
about the same day crap
about the past
blech

I still doubt
oh, yes I do
because it is the nature of people to need what they want

and, I am guilty of that as well

but, with him I have not been able to hide anything

he makes me babble

god damn it

I tell him everything and I can not make him run

I can not make him turn around and leave

He knows my game and why I try

tonight, he told me
he loves me
because I am pure

because I want nothing from him but love

Imagine that
?
a man that I don't have to share.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I smile as I write this
because I am truly in
Very like

and I love being here

For the first time in 18 months I want to paint
and I don't think I need to use black

I'm still trying to picture it in my mind
the finished product
the final rough draft, really

but I want to paint because I'm smiling
:)

If you know me, you will understand
If you don't, it doesn't matter
:)

I want to paint with brushes and a little jar of water.
And I want to paint naked
I believe I couldn't paint the way I used to
with big, smearing wipes with my hands and crying and agitation
trying to set things right
in
my
mind

so, I wonder if an experiment were done to measure the stress and agitation in modern painters
if the ones like me were also using their fingers and hands plunked down in the acrylic while it still looked like colored toothpaste
while gnashing their teeth and crying...

so, picture this, please

Scarlett standing with fist raised

As God as my witness
I will never walk down to steerage
again

A smiling C

My Man

You know there is a song of the same name.
I love him so, no matter what, other women, beatings
Billie, Etta, Ella, even Janis

I love that song and I have been listening to it since I was 12

but it's not really the truth anymore

I know how self destructive it is to love blindly
How walking down the steps to steerage is so easily done that you don't even know you are doing it

...

How the need to be loved is one of the most important desires that any person will ever crave
and
unfortunately
How far many of us will go to feed that

How far any of us will go just to keep the drip going

(by the way, if it's a drip feed, it's not love).

But I digress

So, I found this man
who wrote 1 letter into thin air

I found him in November, but we didn't meet until 3 weeks ago on Thursday the 26th.
and, oh
he's spent every night here
between my heartbeats and between my legs
going and growing deeper and more personal every day

Before any of you think he might be perfect,
I will say he's not.
but, he is kind and honest and tender and intelligent and handsome and can make me cum with a word
spoken
slowly
with the accent
I love

I think he's wonderful