waiting

for the door to the room to open
waiting for him to say

come here

Now

I'm anxious and slightly nervous and excited beyond belief
It's slightly more difficult to breathe
but I wait

I hear his voice call my name
Christine
Come here

My knees are shaking
my heart is racing
my breath comes in a short, shallow intake
of air
so slight
not noticeable
to anyone but me

I am becoming more attentive and accepting
more in tune with his body and his ways

I am allowing myself to trust him further

When we are in the room,
I can let go and
finally
I do
let go

He holds my orgasm in his hands
and He knows it
and He knows how to use it against me

until

I

can
not
hold back

for another minute

He makes me cum

at His will

I think he's wonderful

And I know he loves me

a very happy c

tonight I was thinking about how different my life would have been if I had left earlier

earlier than I did

Would my daughters have been the same?
Would they have grown to be independent and strong as they are today?

Would I?

Is it true that my every decision in life has led me here
to this place
this man
this breath of springtime in February because I am in Florida?
in these arms?

Suppose I had taken a different turn and followed my career
Suppose I had never moved to Fort Rucker
in the first place
in the very first place

Would I be here?
at this house
in this town
in these arms
in this spot?

Gosh, how different it could have turned out.
How different I would be
if I had taken
one
tiny
step
and gone right
instead of left

On My Floor

As he lays sleeping here
another night of talking and agreeing and
disagreeing

we still are together

he mumbles under his breath that he loves me
while I say it out loud

He says I ruined him
from self destructing

lol

I say the same

He looks into my eyes when we speak about the world
about the same day crap
about the past
blech

I still doubt
oh, yes I do
because it is the nature of people to need what they want

and, I am guilty of that as well

but, with him I have not been able to hide anything

he makes me babble

god damn it

I tell him everything and I can not make him run

I can not make him turn around and leave

He knows my game and why I try

tonight, he told me
he loves me
because I am pure

because I want nothing from him but love

Imagine that
?
a man that I don't have to share.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I smile as I write this
because I am truly in
Very like

and I love being here

For the first time in 18 months I want to paint
and I don't think I need to use black

I'm still trying to picture it in my mind
the finished product
the final rough draft, really

but I want to paint because I'm smiling
:)

If you know me, you will understand
If you don't, it doesn't matter
:)

I want to paint with brushes and a little jar of water.
And I want to paint naked
I believe I couldn't paint the way I used to
with big, smearing wipes with my hands and crying and agitation
trying to set things right
in
my
mind

so, I wonder if an experiment were done to measure the stress and agitation in modern painters
if the ones like me were also using their fingers and hands plunked down in the acrylic while it still looked like colored toothpaste
while gnashing their teeth and crying...

so, picture this, please

Scarlett standing with fist raised

As God as my witness
I will never walk down to steerage
again

A smiling C

My Man

You know there is a song of the same name.
I love him so, no matter what, other women, beatings
Billie, Etta, Ella, even Janis

I love that song and I have been listening to it since I was 12

but it's not really the truth anymore

I know how self destructive it is to love blindly
How walking down the steps to steerage is so easily done that you don't even know you are doing it

...

How the need to be loved is one of the most important desires that any person will ever crave
and
unfortunately
How far many of us will go to feed that

How far any of us will go just to keep the drip going

(by the way, if it's a drip feed, it's not love).

But I digress

So, I found this man
who wrote 1 letter into thin air

I found him in November, but we didn't meet until 3 weeks ago on Thursday the 26th.
and, oh
he's spent every night here
between my heartbeats and between my legs
going and growing deeper and more personal every day

Before any of you think he might be perfect,
I will say he's not.
but, he is kind and honest and tender and intelligent and handsome and can make me cum with a word
spoken
slowly
with the accent
I love

I think he's wonderful