tonight I was thinking about how different my life would have been if I had left earlier

earlier than I did

Would my daughters have been the same?
Would they have grown to be independent and strong as they are today?

Would I?

Is it true that my every decision in life has led me here
to this place
this man
this breath of springtime in February because I am in Florida?
in these arms?

Suppose I had taken a different turn and followed my career
Suppose I had never moved to Fort Rucker
in the first place
in the very first place

Would I be here?
at this house
in this town
in these arms
in this spot?

Gosh, how different it could have turned out.
How different I would be
if I had taken
one
tiny
step
and gone right
instead of left

On My Floor

As he lays sleeping here
another night of talking and agreeing and
disagreeing

we still are together

he mumbles under his breath that he loves me
while I say it out loud

He says I ruined him
from self destructing

lol

I say the same

He looks into my eyes when we speak about the world
about the same day crap
about the past
blech

I still doubt
oh, yes I do
because it is the nature of people to need what they want

and, I am guilty of that as well

but, with him I have not been able to hide anything

he makes me babble

god damn it

I tell him everything and I can not make him run

I can not make him turn around and leave

He knows my game and why I try

tonight, he told me
he loves me
because I am pure

because I want nothing from him but love

Imagine that
?
a man that I don't have to share.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I smile as I write this
because I am truly in
Very like

and I love being here

For the first time in 18 months I want to paint
and I don't think I need to use black

I'm still trying to picture it in my mind
the finished product
the final rough draft, really

but I want to paint because I'm smiling
:)

If you know me, you will understand
If you don't, it doesn't matter
:)

I want to paint with brushes and a little jar of water.
And I want to paint naked
I believe I couldn't paint the way I used to
with big, smearing wipes with my hands and crying and agitation
trying to set things right
in
my
mind

so, I wonder if an experiment were done to measure the stress and agitation in modern painters
if the ones like me were also using their fingers and hands plunked down in the acrylic while it still looked like colored toothpaste
while gnashing their teeth and crying...

so, picture this, please

Scarlett standing with fist raised

As God as my witness
I will never walk down to steerage
again

A smiling C

My Man

You know there is a song of the same name.
I love him so, no matter what, other women, beatings
Billie, Etta, Ella, even Janis

I love that song and I have been listening to it since I was 12

but it's not really the truth anymore

I know how self destructive it is to love blindly
How walking down the steps to steerage is so easily done that you don't even know you are doing it

...

How the need to be loved is one of the most important desires that any person will ever crave
and
unfortunately
How far many of us will go to feed that

How far any of us will go just to keep the drip going

(by the way, if it's a drip feed, it's not love).

But I digress

So, I found this man
who wrote 1 letter into thin air

I found him in November, but we didn't meet until 3 weeks ago on Thursday the 26th.
and, oh
he's spent every night here
between my heartbeats and between my legs
going and growing deeper and more personal every day

Before any of you think he might be perfect,
I will say he's not.
but, he is kind and honest and tender and intelligent and handsome and can make me cum with a word
spoken
slowly
with the accent
I love

I think he's wonderful

Sunshine is an Appliance

Laundry is on the mandatory
"crap, I have to do this now"
list for every person with access to water, some sort of cleansing agent and air for drying

Whether it is beating the cloth into cleanliness      
 :),
and drying things on rocks
or throwing them over walls and turning them consistently to avoid bleaching by sunlight

to using $4000 washer/dryer sets
in a basement
(some of them even have the ability to simulate sunshine)

It is a chore
The spectrum is wide

world wide
culturally diverse
and
resource bound

Sometimes I throw my clothes over the wall in my back yard
simply because I want to see the outline of my pants and shirts and towels
on stark white
so I can take pictures or draw something that I remember seeing
because it made me happy
because I thought it was charmingly real

because I love putting them on when they still
have the hot, steamy smell of sunshine

In my mind though,
one of the most melancholy things I do
is fold sheets alone

I have wondered if it's simply the stinging realization that
I have to make my bed
corner to opposite corner
for the best fit of the bottom sheet

which is physically impossible to do alone

or the realization that I can never fold a sheet so that it looks inviting in my linen closet

My linen closet looks like the white sale department at Nordstroms on the 26th of January.

I always leave the sheets for last
sometimes waiting a month before I can face them

and just now realizing why that is

I had a visit today

from Tim

He stayed for a while

He tried his hardest to be nondescript

at some level, I was happy that a non threatening male was at my door

but some part of me wanted to throw my arms around this man that visited me

because we were together for decades

even though

I know he has contempt

for me

It would probably make my life easier

if I fucked him

I know he would buy me food

but

I am not that kind of of person

 I've never considered income

as a parameter for

love

or trust

so call before you come over

because

it's not right

Geranium
hard G
i sounds like e
in German, always

I found this picture on my true loves profile

my god
this makes me long for Europe

did you know that you can keep geraniums
year after year
in a garage
with just the slightest bit of water
shade
cold

When you bring them out again
they will grow stronger

European Geraniums smell like earth

when you pinch off the dead flowers
you can smell the oil on your hands

I would make pasta
with the oil still on my hands
intentionally

add fresh basil leaves as big as limes
cloudy olive oil
1 anchovy
a half a glass of white wine

when I was particularly aroused due to no physical contact for more than 60 days
I would add butter
:)
the perfect recipe

ps

I always break off a geranium stem
to test if it is worthy

and, regrettably,  it is  not
here
in the US

to everyone that has has never been there,
I imagine you think it's as wonderful as I write

genau