Sunshine is an Appliance

Laundry is on the mandatory
"crap, I have to do this now"
list for every person with access to water, some sort of cleansing agent and air for drying

Whether it is beating the cloth into cleanliness      
 :),
and drying things on rocks
or throwing them over walls and turning them consistently to avoid bleaching by sunlight

to using $4000 washer/dryer sets
in a basement
(some of them even have the ability to simulate sunshine)

It is a chore
The spectrum is wide

world wide
culturally diverse
and
resource bound

Sometimes I throw my clothes over the wall in my back yard
simply because I want to see the outline of my pants and shirts and towels
on stark white
so I can take pictures or draw something that I remember seeing
because it made me happy
because I thought it was charmingly real

because I love putting them on when they still
have the hot, steamy smell of sunshine

In my mind though,
one of the most melancholy things I do
is fold sheets alone

I have wondered if it's simply the stinging realization that
I have to make my bed
corner to opposite corner
for the best fit of the bottom sheet

which is physically impossible to do alone

or the realization that I can never fold a sheet so that it looks inviting in my linen closet

My linen closet looks like the white sale department at Nordstroms on the 26th of January.

I always leave the sheets for last
sometimes waiting a month before I can face them

and just now realizing why that is

I had a visit today

from Tim

He stayed for a while

He tried his hardest to be nondescript

at some level, I was happy that a non threatening male was at my door

but some part of me wanted to throw my arms around this man that visited me

because we were together for decades

even though

I know he has contempt

for me

It would probably make my life easier

if I fucked him

I know he would buy me food

but

I am not that kind of of person

 I've never considered income

as a parameter for

love

or trust

so call before you come over

because

it's not right

Geranium
hard G
i sounds like e
in German, always

I found this picture on my true loves profile

my god
this makes me long for Europe

did you know that you can keep geraniums
year after year
in a garage
with just the slightest bit of water
shade
cold

When you bring them out again
they will grow stronger

European Geraniums smell like earth

when you pinch off the dead flowers
you can smell the oil on your hands

I would make pasta
with the oil still on my hands
intentionally

add fresh basil leaves as big as limes
cloudy olive oil
1 anchovy
a half a glass of white wine

when I was particularly aroused due to no physical contact for more than 60 days
I would add butter
:)
the perfect recipe

ps

I always break off a geranium stem
to test if it is worthy

and, regrettably,  it is  not
here
in the US

to everyone that has has never been there,
I imagine you think it's as wonderful as I write

genau

and

Friday blended in

to Saturday morning.

Elmers glue mixed with water, 

an old NY Post, a 4x4 piece of plywood, 

gin, vermouth 

olive brine

I couldn't sleep and kept standing 

pacing

creating

information overload

I think

too much

too much?

too little?

too late?

It's relative.
Literally

I'm struggling now to accept and understand the damage I've endured
how to accept that I am a survivor
whether I want to be or not

trying to rewrite the endings of my actions
go back to the beginning
one year at a time.

reading
writing
yelling
crumbling
standing

again

and it is information overload

food

I know why

I had such a small fleeting thought today, but I know why

I felt so inadequate

somewhere in my mind, monogamy means staying home and waiting

alone

for any communication

any words

any shred of what your partner has to share

this must have been incredible pressure.

I relied on someone else for all my validation as a beautiful, intense, intelligent woman.

that was so unfair of me.

but I thought that’s how it is supposed to be

because that’s how it always was.

but somewhere, somehow, in the past month

I actually validated myself

I didn’t stay in the house and wait

I went out and met other people

I shared time and conversation

food

coffee

I wandered around

again

like I used to.

I found an endorphin release

I found someplace to let my sadistic feelings out

where they were welcome

I found a group where I could feed my endorphin addiction on my own terms

where I could free my inner exhibitionist, and

be safe

because none of them would dare to touch me.

even the one that wielded the dragon tail.

my dragon tail.

no hands on me.

I watched the others that were chained and gagged

I watched how every male would walk up and slam his fingers into them

grab their breasts and pull

how they were entertainment

how they were worthless, walking cunts

so as I stood there in my bra and panties and shoes, grabbing the ends of the chains that others were

bound by,

needed to be bound by

my hands were free

I refuse to be bound

I turned around

watched the faces in the room

their mouths open

jesus I felt free

beautiful

and wild

and happy and satisfied

my skin was glistening

my breath was shallow

the muscles in my arms and legs were taught with anticipation and adrenaline

my mouth was red with lipstick

I could smell Chanel #5

and I saw respect in that room

when the one that wielded the dragon tail was exhausted

sweating

breathing hard

poor old man

I let go

put my skirt and white blouse on

had a cigarette

and came home

the culmination of me being free

not bound

but free to stand and expect what I wanted to be delivered.

and on my terms

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I feel as though I should shower
and shower
and shower

I can't remove the crud that attached itself to me while a member of AFF.

My skin is raw
my soul is blank
and my walls are high and thick right now

I have been trying to figure out why I thought I could find someone on that site.

Why did I feel the need to expose myself like that?
What was it that I was hoping to find in between cock pictures and rude comments?
An honest man?
lol
Kindness?
not from the people that were emailing me.
Someone that wanted to be with me because he liked me?
oh, hell no.

I had an automatic response for the last month and a half.

"Seriously?  Do you know what would be asked of you?"

out of 600 emails, one person asked me what I wanted.
1
lol
when I answered
hand holding, beach walking, espresso in the morning, and stars at night
he responded with a picture of his cock.
I should have quit then.
but no, like a crazy person expecting a different result,
I stayed.

I feel like I finally saved myself

C